Poor Me……. Are You Really A Victim

The Victim and Pity Parties


            In psychological jargon there is a disorder called Victim Stance, a person that takes the ‘Poor Me Posture.”  One who likes to be seen as a victim, a martyr complex.  Most people do not see themselves as being victims yet that is how they come across.  One of the key aspects psychologists point out is how the Victim Stance is used as a tool to manipulate others.  Most visible part of this is the abusive spouse and how they use it to manipulate the other.

            I’ve been to more then my share of funerals this past month and I watch some of the mourners.  A few have been openly grieving, not so much for the deceased but for themselves.  Oh poor me, what am I going to do is how they come across. 

One of the funerals was for a close friend I had known since grade school.  After high school we went our directions and I ran into her a few years ago and renewed our friendship.  She had gone through a divorce, ugly, lost her son at a young age, granddaughter as a teenager plus she had Lupus and had battled cancer various times.  All the time I would visit with her in the home she never sought sympathy or had a poor me attitude.  These were the problems life had dealt her and she was going to live life to the fullest of her capacity.  At the funeral her family members reflected her strength and courage for living a tough life.

Another funeral I went to was for a young lady, the daughter of another friend.  Mom had lost her little girl and two young children were left alone.  Dad had left them high and dry and mom was alone.  At the funeral grandma was grieving, not so much for the loss of her daughter but for herself.  Oh poor me, I now have two young preschool children to raise.  She had taken on a martyr complex and was concerned for herself and wanted pity.  The family members that would not be a part of her pity party were excluded/shunned at the funeral.

Such a contrast way to deal with life’s blows, one is very healthy, the other……………

I look at these personal choices on how live on a larger picture.  Right now the country is suffering/hurting people have lost jobs and are struggling.  Unemployment is outrageously   high and millions of people are living on savings and unemployment checks.

So when I hear someone whine and cry about their situation I step back and look at what they are trying to control.

The people who lost their unemployment benefits provide an oblivious answer of what they were trying to control.  A classic victim Stance of poor me.  When my parents were growing up there was no such thing as unemployment insurance.  Families took care of each other and neighbors helped.  Jobs were sought, even if it was pulling weeds for a bowl of soup, sleeping under the stars was not unusual and hopping on boxcars was transportation.  People in the 30’s struggled but they survived, they did not have fancy toys, campers, ATV’s, three n four cars nor did they live in a big house.  Today there are so many people on unemployment that expect their checks to support that kind of lifestyle.  So when I look at their whining I wonder who the victim really is.

Number of years ago I lost a very good job and drew unemployment for a few months. No longer was the company picking up the tab for my health insurance and company vehicle.  I had some choices to make, I could let my insurance go to have a nice vehicle or keep my insurance.  I kept the insurance and found an old jalopy.  The unemployment kept food on the table and helped with utilities and a few other bills.  It provided for me until I could start generating more income, I did not expect it to go on forever but transition to carry over.  So when I hear people whining about their problems, my ears tend to be deaf for I know what it takes to survive in life and it is not crying about my situation.

If I had dropped my health coverage I do know where to get help, there is more than one place.  Regan signed into law that hospitals are to set aside 2% of their proceeds to cover indigent patients.  Yet so people few use that, mostly because of pride.  Pride is one of the biggest obstacles for people getting help.

Pride is an emotion that blocks out lots of sensibilities and keeps prideful people from getting help.  When times are tough, pride should be swallowed, well personally I feel it shouldn’t be there in the first place, yet I know there are lots of prideful people.  Pride becomes a barrier that keeps lots of doors closed as does poor me attitude.  Go to a pity party or hand up party?

I have one other thing, I believe in God and accept Jesus Christ as my savior and I do not like to call God a liar.  If God says He will take care of me….. I believe it.

The Pity Party that has been going on in this country is starting to wear thin and when I point that out, people get all mad at me…. So be it but I am not obligated to wallow in your pity but I do offer a hand up.


11 thoughts on “Poor Me……. Are You Really A Victim

  1. Hey John, Thanks for sharing your opinion. People that think unemployment insurance is a gift that goes on forever, are in for a rude awakening. Those that are having a terrible time in life need support to get their mental state in order, so they can re-enter into the work force when opportunity arrives. I believe Jesus is my savior as well, and God does care about me. Smiles~

  2. Amen to you. You speak the truth. I had the choice of keeping my car and let somethings go, walking is good for me. I now enjoy the backseat. Yes I am a believer, I know that Jesus will and has taken care of me. "Again Amen"

  3. Great reminder re. the powerfulness of victims. I was fortunate to receive instruction about how victims wield power through appearing helpless but it is actually quite an art/skill.

  4. Because I like to think the ‘best’ of people I wasunaware of the power of ‘victims’ and how this dynamic can operate.Have also encountered two examples you mention, those who motor onand those who become embittered and manipulate the poor-me (whoa is me) situation.I like how you macro- this to countries, the thought of poor me countriesthat cannot seem to emerge from learned helpless/dependencies like whenCanadian corporations needed all maner of taxpayer ‘bail out’ money.

  5. Congratulation on making that effort to persevere and get through.Been there/done that too and not dismissing as just ‘get her done’ becauseit is frustrating, challenging, tough, tough situationswhich do have anxiety, worry and whatnot but it is possibleto survive, albeit with changed circumstancesand with faith strengthened in marvellous ways.Also, for me, downsizing life turned out to be a good thingas it’s enuff work to own imaginary polo ponies. ‘scusa.

  6. Well Connie, thought I’d come to visit and got ‘This Page Does Not Exist’.This is so frustrating at post Wave IV it seems such a challenge to just cyberstroll freely.

  7. Poor me or self pity reactions couldn’t get any further from any tough circumstances.Wish you a blessed weekend John. and I beleive in GOD our Saviour Almighty.Take care~

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